hi, i am jewish. i love to be jewish. i am a hebrew of hebrews.

i love michael brasher too. he is the greatest. drew is a turd. matt is silly. casey has aids.

but yet, i love everyone here.

hebrew of hebrews. i am a jew. i am a scapegoat. i am a whore i must confess. i love michael. judaism survives.

VACATION!

I'm going to Florida with Jordan to see my jewish grandparents at the beach. Was it with elderly jews and florida? Must be the money.

Currently Listening Dark Side Of The Moon By Pink Floyd Time, Money, The Great Gig in the Sky, Us and Them, Breathe, Any Colour You Like, Brain Damage see related

The Matrix (Reloaded)

You guys may be offended or horrified or somewhere betwixt (I don't get to say this archaic word enough!) those two places after reading this but that's ok because I really don't care what anyone thinks about me anymore and that is one of the most freeing things that has ever happened to me. Okay so here goes-

I think I'm plugging back in. to the "matrix" as Michael and I call it. I really tried to fight the system but the man is very sneaky and "stickin' it" to him is about as likely as Jordan not talking about himself (love ya!).

Though I raged against the machine, it seems to no avail. I can't fight against the establishment anymore because the establishment has stood the test of time and will be here after I'm gone. I don't want to waste time on trying to defeat the corrupt government, disillusioned society, and the hypocritical church because one man cannot change the world- even Christ couldn't because he gave man the choice to do so and man does not want God even though God wants us so much.

This brings me to my second decision. I don't think I believe in love. Oh sure, I "know" it exists, but I do not think I have ever experienced it. I'm not even talking about romantic love though i think I have tasted it a few times. I just think that when we say "love" to one another it's really just an expression of good feelings that are reciprocated and the word and idea of love is the easiest form of expressing that.

See we are constantly doing shitty things to one another and we are all so selfish and self absorbed half the time that if we really loved eachother we would have others' best interests at heart which would mean we wouldn't  have to be selfish. But we do not trust eachother enough to give one another the chance to give the best to eachother. So this leads us to being selfish and looking out for number one because we don't love eachother in the way that we should which would cause selfishness to disappear.

I don't think I have really felt or seen an expression of God's love in my life. I know how blasphemous this must sound but He allows to much hurt which causes me not to trust Him because the more I trust the more I am disappointed. Love does not work on Earth.

Everyone seems to desire love and wants to be with someone for the rest of their lives. Love and the pursuit of it are so overrated. It is like the mythological quest of searching for the holy grail (which does not exist but will always be looked for and hoped after.) People are so afraid of being alone that they feel they have to be connected to another person to feel completed. So to that I say this- fuck people, everyone for that matter for being such pansies and brainwashed to try so hard at getting laid and looking for girls or guys to spend the night or forever with.

If all of my close friends stayed single for the rest of our lives then I would be content at being single too. I just don't want to be that single friend when everyone else is married so I have to get hitched to save my social circle.

Hmm, I think that the man is also involved with this love bs so idk if I can readily plug back in. I just know that my subsequent philosophy that is a close sister of apathy didn't work. But modern American pop- Christianity definetly does not work either. So Idk where to go really right now and that's ok I guess. I'll just fight the power until I decide that I am too tired and then I will throw in the towel and let the system suck the life out of me. It's doing a pretty damn good job now and I haven't totally caved yet. But I'll look forward to being a shell of a man in my later years because apparently that's what most every adult I know is and they have money so something worked for them.

Currently Listening Mockingbird By Derek Webb A New Law, Young Rich Ruler, A king and a kingdom, I hate everything but you, In God We trust, Zeros and Ones see related

WWIII? Sounds Kinktastic!

Hmm... Go Israelis! Get those radical Shiite Hezbollahs. Apparently this whole thing started because the Jewish yameka is more conducive to the extreme middle east heat than the Hezbollahs head sacks sometimes known as baracs. Boring! If we wanted to wear sheets on our heads we would have become Hindis but we all know how over-rated reincarnation is- eat your heart out baba ganush! But be tactful because your warfare could bring the onslaught of WWIII. This is not simple warmongery- it could be the real deal- a meshugah for all you yiddish enthusiasts.

Percentage of Israeli success- With US as allies your chances of victory are increased by about 35%. But take away 20% because the US military is stretched thin in Iraq- thank you, you sand pirate hookers!

The Who's Who Against Israel/US-
Iran- The US left such a Iran begging for more scandal and WMD after the famous Contra scandal of the 80's, that they have been jonesing for another chance to get "brokeback" with America. Too bad Iran, Jake Gylenhall is not gay.

Syria- Since Paul never made it to party in Damascus, the Syrians have never invited the Jews to get jiggy with it- so Syria is going to throw the biggest bash complete with phyllo filled rockets and dancing prostitutes of Ba'al- Israel you are still not invited.

N. Korea- Kim Jung Il has his Asian grubs all over this mess. But will he use the nukes? I think not come on, nothing screams coward like those yellow bloods.   

Advent of Doomsday?- Quite likely. Israel your foray into Lebanon may bring about the Armageddon. But don't be upset with your kosher selves! This imminent diasaster of unknown immensity will speed Christ's return. So much for the crucifiction you little seeds of Abram.

What should we do? America let's keep on backin' it up to the underground bunkers til we drop it (the proverbial Bomb) like it's hot- unless we use the theoretical form of nuclear cold fusion- then just ice ice baby to the bank! I know I'll be packin my neccessities- complete seasons of MTV's reality shows- Next, Made, and Why Can't I be You- I might even throw in the Hills, come on LC is boring but her roommate is the ish!

Summation- With this impending catastrophic disaster looming just ahead I suggest we look to the wisdom of our hippie ancestors and conduct nation wide "Be-Ins" come on who isn't up for psychedilac LSD infused "kool aid tests" conducted by free loving collectivistic people who haven't bathed in weeks and don't have jobs- that sounds very much like the current lifestlye of our arabian neighbors (sans the LSD and plus the repression but aren't those just details anyway?.) I think we share more in common with them than we think. Come on let's just adopt their Muslim ways and then their cool jihads will be over.

I mean is it so bad to be a radical muslim? We can set back our women's rights about 250 years, get down on our knees 5 times a day (aka the Lewinsky in arab nations), and live with a propaganda spewing government that has its iron fist clutched around our country (reminiscent of cleveland and the icy grasp of the Church of God.) You know then I won't have to be burnt out on psychology anymore because the Muslims will lavish men with priveleges and flying carpets (which are very fuel efficient which will defuse the pain at the pump), wish granting genies and snake charming shammans. Muslims get your gypsy selves over here! America is your land of stilted oppurtunity where you can make up fake Muslim holidays or even take over Chanakuah and make it Ramadan. What's so cool about menorahs anyway? Hey and our Muhammed has parkinson's disease and was a boxer, your's only has a rock- total Upgrade! It's really a win win situation- the world's economic market will crumble, and we will all be partying like its 1999- but only with our harem- we'll leave wifey in our desert abodes cooking curry and being womanly- but only the womanly parts that aren't womanly and are more like men.

Hmm... 86 my Israelis cheer- hurrah Muslims!

Currently Listening Led Zeppelin IV (aka ZOSO) By Led Zeppelin black dog, going to california, rock and roll, misty mountain hop, stairway to heaven, when the levee breaks see related

I woke up this morning and decided that I don't want to major in psychology any more.

I know I know, how is that even possible? You guys know that psycho-babble is my most favorite mode of speech operandi. But I realize how I came to this decision-

I have stopped caring about people.

Apathy has become my most favorite defense mechanism- I mean if I don't care than I can't feel and if I can't feel than I can't hurt. It's funny my apathy is the by-product of being consistently let down by most people in my life- and the only reason they let me down is because I had expected them not to. I expected people to rise above the depravity of human nature but alas I can't even do it so how can I expect it from others?

Still I have felt such freedom from not caring about others and that has led me to be very un-self conscious- which is awesome. But by being apathetic towards others has led me to be apathetic in my own life and so my ardor for God and passion for people has been zapped. Still I have been quite happy in spite of these things and I cannot figure that out yet.

So I started praying about this situtaion. As I was wrestling with God about my desire to change my major I learned 3 things-

1. What else would I  major in?

2. I only have 3 semesters left so for me to change my major would be collegiate suicide,

3. God was asking me why I wanted to quit and I said, "Because I want to stop fighting for other people." And what He told me challenged my entire perspective-

"Well, Christ never stops fighting for you."

For me to quit fighting for others would nullify my professed faith in Christ- "if you love me than you will love the church."

It's so hard to remove my emotions from temporary situations and disappointments but I know that He is teaching me this for my further growth and my career as a psychologist.

I am going to have to deal with people who will no longer want to change and if I do not learn it now I will be blindsided then.

I wish this life could be free from pain and struggles. I understand what Micahel said when he told me that he hates people equating pain with growth- and though he is right in his frustration the only way I can reconcile the two is that perspective is the only one I can have or else I will be disillusioned.

God I pray that my heart will be re-softened and that I will be capable of laying down all hurts to your feet. Lord rekindle my former passions and let me not be disappointed in others because you never said it would be easy. Teach me and grow me. Even when it hurts.